


Bitter Love

by sasukewasameme



Series: Sasuke Angst Collection [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23587585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukewasameme/pseuds/sasukewasameme
Summary: Love. Sasuke hated the word "love" because it hurt him. Sasuke put walls up after his clan was massacred so that he would never love again. He thought he was emotionless after that point but that fact was proven wrong after he was put into Team 7.Warnings: suicidal thoughts, possible suicide and self harm, angst, and graphic depictions of violence. May have horrific/disturbing scenes. May change the rating later.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Sasuke Angst Collection [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1695241
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	1. Love

Love. Sasuke hated the word "triggered" because it triggered him but if there was a word that triggered him, it would be "love."

Sasuke hated love. He put walls up after his clan was massacred so that he would never love again. He thought he was emotionless at that point but that fact was proven wrong after he was put into Team 7. 

After being put into Team 7, Sasuke only realized how much he loved them when he risked his life to save Naruto from Haku. But even then, it was subconscious. He saved Naruto subconsciously and loved Team 7 subconsciously.

Sasuke began to realize just how much he loved Team 7, and especially Naruto, after Itachi came to capture the Nine Tails. When the fight with Itachi was over and had left Sasuke unconscious, Sasuke had plenty time in the hospital to think about why he was so damn weak.

And then, he remembered.

He remembered Itachi telling him he needed to kill his best friend. Sasuke knew at that point that Naruto was truly his best friend and someone he genuinely cared about. But Sasuke rejected everything about Itachi. Everything. From love to sad neglect, he hated him. 

Realizing that he cared about Naruto triggered Sasuke into something of a mental breakdown. Caring was something he felt for Itachi. Caring was bad. And even if caring wasn't bad, Itachi would kill Naruto someday and Sasuke would be too weak to stop it.

Sasuke needed to hurt Naruto before his death hurt him. Even if he didn't kill Naruto, Sasuke was starting to feel a growing hate inside of him; a hate against Naruto that made him want to hurt him. That hate was there because Sasuke was ashamed of himself. Ashamed that Naruto was more use against his brother than he, himself was. 

Sasuke thought back to Orochimaru saying he would come to him for power. He didn't want to be influenced by that stupid snake but all the same, he was starting to realize he needed to cut his bonds. 

He wanted to not love Team 7. It may sound a dumb fear to some but Sasuke was genuinely worried that if he opened his heart to Team 7, he would open his heart to forgiveness. If that was the case, he wouldn't get his revenge for his clan.

A knock hit the door. It was probably Sakura. She'd been visiting him every day. But two pairs of footsteps walked the floor. Sasuke was too stuck in his head to care what Sakura was saying but a great annoyance pounded him when he heard Naruto's loud voice.

He looked to Naruto and flashed back to how much he'd grown. How had Naruto gotten so good? Sasuke was an Uchiha. If he was beat by someone in his class, he'd be an utter failure of an Uchiha. He needed to bring honor to his name so he could be deserving of it.

Sasuke thought of the fight between Itachi and Naruto. Even worse was when Itachi told him "you don't have enough hate." Sasuke came to a decision. He needed to fight Naruto to make himself feel better.

Sakura handed him an apple but Sasuke was so amped up and angry that he slapped it out of her hand. He would regret it later but wasn't in the mood to care. Naruto complained in his loud, annoying voice. Sasuke scowled.

"You. Naruto. I want you to fight me. Fight me now." 

Naruto was strong. But so was Sasuke. They wove their hands together and apart, weaving signs faster than any other genin could. Naruto did the shadow clone jutsu. Multiple Naruto's came running at Sasuke but he kicked and threw them into non-existence. They threw jutsus at each other and dodged them. 

Naruto thought it was all fun and games at first but soon realized Sasuke was serious. Well, Naruto thought, if Sasuke is serious, I'll be serious too. Sakura was worried from the beginning. She saw the look in Sasuke's eyes. That look of hatred. 

But when they started forming their most powerful jutsus, she panicked and yelled out for them, ready to put her life on the line so they wouldn't kill each other. Just when she'd lost all hope, Kakashi flung himself after the two boys, stopping them from hurting each other and flinging them into the water towers. 

Kakashi was obviously upset and disappointed, telling Sasuke he would talk with him later. Sasuke was just disappointed that the hole in his water tower was actually smaller than the hole in Naruto's.

Sasuke ran off, not cooled down yet. And for the following hour, he wasn't. Until Kakashi finally came to scold him. Sasuke was very unhappy with Kakashi's scolding method. He tied Sasuke up so he couldn't leave.

Kakashi was serious. "Sasuke. I didn't teach you the chidori so you could kill your friends with it." Sasuke glared at him. Kakashi continued. "I've seen many men with that same look on their faces, wanting revenge. None of them trun out happy."

This angered Sasuke. How dare he?! Revenge was the only thing that would make him happy. How the hell would he know what would and wouldn't make him happy?! Sasuke laughed, feeling unstable. "How would you like it if I took everyone that was important to you and killed them?!" 

Kakashi looked in, what was surprisingly, understanding. "Go ahead because I have no one important to me. Everyone I cared about is already dead." Sasuke was visibly shaken. "But luckily, you and I have comrades that can help us move in, now don't we?"

Sasuke looked down, ashamed of what he said to Kakashi and for hurting the last and only people he cared about. Sasuke saw that Sasuke wasn't going to fight so he let him go and left him to his thoughts, disappearing. 

After a while of thinking, the Sound Four showed up, ready to recruit him. Sasuke fought them. And lost. But they were only there to help, they said. To bring him to Orochimaru so he could beat his brother. 

It didn't take too much for Sasuke to agree. Regardless of what Kakashi had said, breaking the bonds was important. So he wouldn't get hurts. This was his fate. It would be best if he accepted it.

He didn't quite trust the four but he felt he had no choice and agreed to meet them in the forest later that night. The rest of the day, Sasuke was surprisingly unswayed. He expected himself to be weary but he felt the opposite.

Maybe it was the adrenaline running through Sasuke's veins and maybe it was the excitement of leaving the town where everything bad that had ever happened in his life, had happened. Whatever it was, he was glad there were no regrets. At exactly midnight, he stood up, ready to leave. He didn't have much; he wouldn't bring much. 

Sasuke was genuinely happy to shed his skin. The only sadness he felt was from the bonds he had. The bonds to his friends and sensei. He left, encountering Sakura but making her pass out after calling her "annoying." It was his own way of saying goodbye. 

It wasn't hard to find the Sound 4. They were right outside the gates, waiting for him in hiding. They ran for a while before it became obvious they were being tailed. Sasuke wasn't surprised by the amount of people that actually seemed to be coming after him.

The whole village of Leaf ninja was dramatically desperate to keep their bonds. You could meet someone only a few times and they would decide you are important to them. Sasuke didn't understand that. But then again, Sasuke had a hard time caring. 

The four stopped and got Sasuke's attention with the words "you must die." He needed to "die" for more power. Sasuke agreed. Because they needed him alive. He needed to sit in a barrel and take a pill. He complied. And passed out from the pain.

When Sasuke woke up next, he saw Naruto's face. It was a cold and warm sight all at once. "Sasuke!" That begun the start of their fight. A fight between cold and hot. This fight wasn't a fight; it was a battle. And no one was there to stop them. 

"Why, Sasuke?!" Sasuke decided to let his anger out for the last time before going cold. "You wouldn't understand, Naruto!" He let his curse mark take him. "You never had parents! You wouldn't understand the pain of having your entire family taken away from you!" 

Naruto let his Nine Tails out. Sasuke knew his words were hurtful but he told himself it was okay to be emotional. Just this once. A snake shedding skin was never easy. It was a painful, emotional process.

Sasuke performed his fireball jutsu and Naruto dodged with some shadow clones. "Sasuke! I understand the feeling of loneliness. I'm the only one who could understand you." 

Sasuke felt even more frustrated. He wanted Naruto gone for that exact reason. Clearly, the idiot didn't understand why Sasuke was doing this in the first place. They continued fighting, getting tired, conserving chakra, and continued fighting again. 

The fight got more and more intense. They no longer gave each other chakra breaks. That was when Naruto finally understood what Sasuke was doing. And anger consumed him. "Sasuke!" How dare his own best friend try to kill him? He created the most powerful rasengan he'd ever made. 

Sasuke decided it was time to end this fight and move forward. He put every last ounce of anger into his chidori, feeling satisfied when seeing Naruto's eyes of understanding and anger. 

He thought back to all of the happy moments he'd had with team 7. His anger was his way of shedding tears. He called Naruto's name one last time before shedding his skin. "Naruto!" And they ran at each other with their most powerful jutsu. 

When their hands collided, they felt, very surprisingly, nothing. But, instead, a ball of light engulfed them, getting bigger and bigger until it exploded. They were violently pushed back by the force and Naruto fell straight into the water, passed out. Or dead. 

Sasuke landed near Naruto and realized that the explosion somehow caused rain. Sasuke got up and walked to Naruto to see his condition. He dropped next to Naruto's head and peered at him. He was still breathing. The rain ran over Sasuke's face, mimicking tears. 

Sasuke had the chance to kill Naruto then and there. But, although he wouldn't admit it, he was too weak to kill him. Sasuke got up, looking at the sky. His skin was almost done shedding. And for the first time, Sasuke wasn't sure if it was a good thing. He shook his head. No. It was good. If it weren't for his skin shedding, he wouldn't kill Itachi which would mean never dying in honor someday.

And with that, Sasuke left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets better after this. Swear. Just had to set the fic up so it makes sense.


	2. Desensitization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter feels hurried.

Sasuke wasn't sure what he expected when arriving at Orochimaru's lair. When he saw tanks of people floating in some sort of liquid, rooms with screams coming out of them, and cages with groups of people, he was hit in the face.

He was admittedly selfish with his goal in mind and ignored the horrors around him but when he was directed to his room, the facts hit him. The fact that he would be dealing with this for years. A dark feeling overcame him.

He wasn't sure how his mind would take this. It would either make him stronger or it would break him.

Sasuke would catch himself, at moments, regretting coming to the horrid place but then he would tell himself it was good. This was the way he'd kill his brother. If he died someday without his brother dead, he would be a miserable spirit clinging to the Earth with regrets.

For the first day, Orochimaru had Sasuke follow him around like a fucking clinging to it's mother. After that, he expected Sasuke to have a brain intelligent enough to find its way around the place. 

Sasuke saw this as a challenge. He was too weak to fight Orochimaru off and if he deemed him unnecessary, he could kill him easily. Apparently, Sasuke was confused because Kabuto was there when he woke up. "Orochimaru sent me to give you a tour."

We're Orochimaru's plans usually this bipolar? One second, he wants Sasuke to find his away around the place and next, he wants Kabuto to show him. Sasuke decided that that was why the man was considered scary. One second, he feels like having you alive while the next, he wanted you for a deadly experiment. 

Sasuke was glad to be on Orochimaru's good side while he was still weak. Kabuto showing him around was much worse than he originally thought. He figured Kabuto would tell him what rooms were experimentation rooms and which ones weren't. However, he didn't expect Kabuto to bring him inside those horrific rooms.

The first room they went into wasn't the worst which was saying a lot, considering... 

There was a tall, buff man laying on a silver exam table. The only physical indication that anything happened to him was how tired he looked and a small flask of some clear liquid next to the table.

The next room was something Sasuke could've never been prepared for. A man lay naked on an exam table exactly like the last one. Only this time, there was a large hole in his chest. His upper ribs and heart were visible. He had been cut open through the skin, to the muscle, and to the bone.

Sasuke had no idea how he was still alive but his heart was still pumping through his chest. Blood was draining out of him and there were no words to describe the absolute horror of the scene. 

The man's eyes were glazed over and he was panting. Sasuke wasn't sure if his eyes were glazed from the pain of his chest being opened or if it was because he was completely unfeeling and possibly dying.

Sasuke had an overwhelming feeling if dissociation. He felt as if his body was there but his mind was in the clouds. The next room was even worse. This time, they were present during a surgery without anesthetic. It was a woman who was giving birth but the doctor's decided it was best to cut her open. 

Her screams were of a nightmare that Sasuke would never forget. Her screams pushed his morals. He felt distinctly compelled to help her. So he walked to the examination table and put his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her down while he figured out how to help her.

The scientists weren't very happy about that but knew better than to mess with Orochimaru's pet. Kabuto, however, had no qualms about messing with Sasuke. He walked over to Sasuke and aggressively pulled him off. "You better get used to seeing these things, Sasuke. Unless you're too weak to stomach them?" 

Sasuke didn't know what to do. On one hand, he could try helping her which would result in some sort of punishment. Or, he could be on Orochimaru's good side. Sasuke was so stuck between morals that he just stood there. Kabuto was interested in seeing what Sasuke would do but decided to take his hunched over, almost woeful position as an answer and drug him to the next room.

The next room had multiple people with limbs chopped off. There was blood everywhere and a man was struggling to put his amputated leg back onto its stump. Another man was groaning in extreme misery and pain while a woman was holding her child in her only attached limb.

Kabuto drug Sasuke around the place for hours, showing him atrocities and terrors nonstop. Sasuke eventually began feeling a numb kind of dissociation. He could no longer think and just became a mindless zombie being led by Kabuto. 

When the day was over, Sasuke went straight to his room and didn't listen to what Kabuto had to say. His mind was paralyzed from the horrors he'd seen. He laid on his bed for 40 minutes, staring at the ceiling, unthinking. Thoughts slowly came to him.

There was nothing Sasuke could do about what he saw. If he tried to stop it, he might end up just like them. Sasuke fell asleep from being overwhelmed. When he woke up the next day, Kabuto wanted to show him even more rooms. This time, Sasuke felt like he had to do something about it. For his own conscience.

So when the second tour of horrors ended, he snuck out of his room and went around to the people in cages, telling them be would get them out of there someday. It wasn't much but it helped Sasuke's mind from breaking. Of course, it may have already been broken because his fear of Orochimaru was soon replaced with a murderous hatred.

Sasuke swore he would kill his own teacher someday. Every day after that, he listened very carefully to Orochimaru's lessons. He needed to get better at Orochimaru's jutsus than Orochimaru himself so he could overpower him someday.

Every day, Sasuke's mind was filled with fantasies of Orochimaru's murder. Every time he was stressed by the horrors that surrounded him, he had to stop himself from attacking the man. Although Sasuke wouldn't admit it even to himself, he missed the safe feeling he had when he was in Team 7. 

He couldn't stop thinking about the past. He hated himself for missing them. He hated them for caring and he hated them because he cared about them. Part of his training was to attack look-alikes of his former teammates. He told himself that this would make him stronger. Attacking his former friends and respected sensei would only help him in the long run.

After years of witnessing the atrocities around him, Sasuke became mostly desensitized to them. He no longer has qualms about attacking innocents. The one thread that kept him from becoming completely cold was his last moral: to not kill. That was the last part of him that connected him to the Leaf Village and therefore, his true self.

Sasuke had lost his identity over time. That one last moral was the last part of his old self that existed. You could argue he was a shell of his former self or you could argue that he wasn't a shell but rather a different person. Someone who'd grown out of his old self.

But you couldn't argue about his love for his team. 

Sasuke fond himself thinking about Naruto often. How was Naruto? Was he being trained harshly? Probably not. Sasuke was truthfully jealous of Naruto. Sasuke's life had been hard and now he had to endure mentally painful training. Naruto likely had good teachers and could train in pure environments.

Naruto could train in the light. Sasuke could only train in the dark. Yes, it was his choice to go to Orochimaru. But, in the end, was there any other way he could get dramatically stronger? Sasuke was desperate and didn't care about illegal ways to get stronger as long as they didn't kill anybody. 

Training with Orochimaru would logically get him to his goal faster than if he were to train safely like how they did in the Leaf. 

On one particular Saturday, Sasuke wanted to beat his head in. His mind was flooding him with images of the Leaf Village. And mainly Naruto. His one and only idiot best friend. Sasuke swore to himself; if the next time he came across Naruto and Naruto was stronger, he'd string his own neck. 

Years of torture both mentally and physically (Sasuke used to give Orochimaru attitude and still does at times) would have to make him stronger. No. Would need to make him stronger. Because if he could've gotten this strong by staying at the Leaf, his years of darkness would all be for not.


	3. First Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Some self-harm (not cutting yet)

It was a Friday night when Sasuke first found out how relieving pain was. 1 a.m., to be exact. He was to be present during a particularly gruesome experiment that involved someone who Orochimaru made look like normal. 

In a way, Sasuke had already known how relieving pain was. After all, ninja pushed themselves to the point of extreme physical pain both as a stress reliever and as a way to get stronger.

However, this pain was different. He'd clenched his fists plenty times before but this time, his nails dug deeper into his flesh than normal. They dug and dug, deeper and deeper. He felt his skin breaking. (Since when had his nails gotten so long?)

At first, he dug his nails into his skin unconsciously. But as he became aware of his stress, he became aware of the pain in his palms. At that point, he could've stopped. But he didn't. He needed a distraction from his own thoughts. And the best way, in that moment, to do so was by digging his fingers deeper until the pain took his stress away.

That was how it started. How he started hurting himself. That was when he realized that making his blood flow was surprisingly relieving. After that one incident, he dug his nails into his flesh whenever he was stressed out. 

His liking for the flow of his blood only got greater. Tearing up his palms turned into scratching the tops of his hands until they bled. This led to him wearing hand armor that covered the tops of his hands and partially covered his palms. 

Orochimaru almost certainly noticed his wounds. But he never said anything. 

One day, Orochimaru took Sasuke and Kabuto with him to one of his abandoned hideouts. They were to stay there for a few days. Sasuke spent the first two days only training and sleeping. Until Orochimaru brought someone unexpected.

A leaf shinobi.

Sasuke couldn't care less. Not anymore. In fact, he was feeling rather annoyed. (Why did he end up like this?) "I brought you a friend," Orochimaru told Sasuke. Sasuke was too annoyed to hear the rest of it until Orochimaru said Naruto's name. 

After all of that training to desensitize him to the Leaf, Sasuke was able to erase most of his bonds. Naruto was the exception. He was even able to erase Sakura and Kakashi from his bonds, although they were still in there; just buried deep inside.

Seeing a new Leaf shinobi only reminded Sasuke to keep working on cutting his bonds with Naruto. 

"You're late. You said you would teach me a new jutsu," Sasuke told Orochimaru. Kabuto gave Sasuke a look of extreme disapproval, clearly upset that he was showing annoyance with Orochimaru. Sasuke didn't want to hear any excuses. He got up and left, waiting for Orochimaru to come.

Orochimaru got to Sasuke a few minutes later. They were going to practice his change in chakra nature. "Take off the armor on your hands first," said Orochimaru. Sasuke felt nervousness, strangely enough. Orochimaru had seen his cuts before so why was he so on edge?

Sasuke took off his hand armor before thinking too much. He refused to let himself feel something as weak as nervousness. His mind flashed back to his clan's murder. The nervousness he'd felt that day was unmeasurable. Nervousness was a weak, needless feeling, he'd decided.

Sasuke felt down after thinking about the death of his clan.

"Make sure those are clean," Orochimaru interrupted his thoughts. "What we're going to be doing may require you to get your hands dirty and I don't want to deal with infection on your body, much less scarring."

Sasuke was used to coldness. Another thing he'd learned over the years was that Leaf Ninja were absolutely soft which was why training in the village would make him weak. There, they would be worried that he was hurting himself. 

With Orochimaru, everyone minded their own business and could care less about how much pain you were in. Sasuke reprimanded himself for the millionth time for thinking about the Leaf Village and got all of his angst out through the training.

When the training was over, he was tired out and lay down in his room. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Sasuke woke up, he felt something - no; somethings - slithering into his bed. He hadn't been asleep for long and was angry about being woken up. He felt a presence standing by the door frame and his sense of danger kicked in.

Now he was really angry. How dare someone wake him up and try attacking him at the same time? "I want to protect the bond between you and Naruto. I'm going to bring you back to the Leaf."

Sasuke was awake enough to vaguely remember the voice from earlier. He didn't pay enough attention at the time, though, to catch the guy's name. Whatever his name was, Sasuke wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face.

Sasuke was now not only angry but also very triggered. How dare someone come in, wake him up, and then proceed to remind him of everything he'd been trying to forget for years. 

The massacre, his happy memories of Team 7, his "kind" brother, his beautifully sweet mother, his tough father, and all of the fellow genin he'd wanted to fight with before leaving began flooding through his mind.

Sasuke went into a fit of anger and created a strong chidori, blowing up the ceiling and caving the place in. He jumped out of the crumbling hole and onto solid, elevated ground. The guy who decided he wanted to get into Sasuke's business stayed in the area surrounded with crumbling building and looked up at Sasuke.

"You are Naruto's best friend and your bond is important." Sasuke scowled. A feeling of all sorts of emotions hit him when he felt his presence around. Naruto's presence. He knew Naruto was there. It was their bond that told him so; screamed at him so. 

Sasuke closed his eyes and tried to calm his emotions down. All of the emotional and physical training through the years needed to be of use. He closed his eyes and listened to all of the sounds around him, ignoring the running footsteps that were getting closer.

Sasuke took a big breath in and a big breath out. This was it. What he'd been preparing for. He had flashbacks to all of his times with Naruto and let his emotional desensitization training guide him.

His training told him that the best way to get rid of his emotions was by getting rid of the root of the emotions. And Naruto was the root. The footsteps ran out of the hideout. Sasuke opened his eyes and gave himself grounding advice that he'd learned.

Sakura and a man with large eyes were right behind him. "Sai! I knew it! You-" "Naruto." Sasuke interrupted. The group of four looked up, Naruto and Sakura doing so shakily. Sasuke felt absolutely nothing. "Sasuke," said Naruto.

Sasuke looked at each of the four individually. His eyes trailed to the fourth member who's name was apparently Sai. "So he's my replacement, huh?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I probably won't usually post this often but I've been having a sort of writing surge the last few days. My mind was blocked because of the Coronavirus stuff for a few weeks but now that my writer's block is over, I've been wanting to write like crazy and I've been having ideas left and right. Anyways, enough about me. Lol.


	4. Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke encounters Team 7.
> 
> Sorry for the really late update. I had a hard time because for 1) I was overwhelmed because I've never gotten this many hits in just the first few chapters, 2) I got my first hate comment and didn't know how to deal, for 3) I've never actually written romance before so please, please bear with me, and for 4) I felt like I was writing badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you thought I'd never update again, huh?~

No one answered. Instead, they stared at Sasuke in shock. Sasuke closed his eyes. This was it. This was the perfect opportunity to kill them. He proceeded to talk about his brother and bonds. This was the closest to an explanation they would get before he killed them. When he was done explaining his need to erase his bonds, he went for it.

Sasuke was in front of Naruto, hand on shoulder within seconds. Naruto and Sakura clearly hadn't been training well because they took a second longer to catch up. Sasuke reached for his sword and pulled it out slowly. If anyone actually knew him, they'd know that this was him hesitating. Stalling even. 

Stalling for what? Sasuke didn't know. After all, he wanted Naruto dead more than anyone so he had no reason to stall. Then, almost forcefully, he lifted his sword up and brought it down towards Naruto's back. Again, slowly. His hand shook slightly but he controlled it. Most likely, no one noticed. Then, he was stopped. A feeling of relief that he denied filled him. 

Then, he proceeded to fight with the Yamato guy. After a while of fighting, Sasuke stopped Yamato well enough to get back to Naruto. Naruto was hunched over looking like he had a headache. Then, Sasuke did it. He entered Naruto's mind using his sharingan only to be filled with surprise. 

There, a monster awaited him. Quite literally, Naruto had a monster in his head. So, this was what was giving Naruto power. This was what was controlling him. That annoyed Sasuke. How dare Naruto borrow someone else's power to fight him? He looked in the eye of the caged tailed fox. A challenge. 

Just when it seemed like the beast would win the silent staring contest, Sasuke walked over to the beast and pulled on its skin, making it explode. Its last words were, "you remind me of Madara Uchiha." Sasuke hadn't known the creatures would explode but it was certainly a plus. The thought that the monster was trying to take over Naruto was the last thing Sasuke wanted.

If the beast took over Naruto's body and mind then Naruto would be the beast. Sasuke didn't want to kill the beast; he wanted to kill Naruto. That's why he wanted the beast gone; so he could kill a very conscious and self aware Naruto.

Sasuke left Naruto's mind only to be met with wood covering his body. He wanted to scoff. Was that Yamato man serious? Something like this would most definitely not be an ending blow. He projected energy into his palm and moved it into a sword-like shape and cut himself out of the wood.

Then, he proceeded to jump to the top of the crater so he could perform his best trick. Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the air. He thought of his past with Team 7 and all of the pain he'd endured in his life. This was it.

He lifted his hand to the sky, feeling the electrical current. He connected to the electrical current with the palm of his hand. Just when Sasuke merged with the god of lightning, he felt a hand on his palm. He glared at the man responsible for stopping him. "Orochimaru."

Orochimaru's eyes seemed to glisten in amusement. Sasuke was his only pet allowed to act in such a way. Although, at times, Orochimaru was in a bad enough mood to ruin even his future body's perfect face. Kabuto appeared on the other side of Sasuke. "Don't speak to Orochimaru as if he's an equal. He's above you, Sasuke." Sasuke turned his glare to Kabuto.

"Don't kill them yet, Sasuke," said Orochimaru. "Why shouldn't I?" Asked Sasuke. Kabuto lectured Sasuke one more time before explaining how leaving the Leaf Village ninja alive would only increase his chances of killing his brother due to them taking care of of the Akatsuki.

Sasuke glared down at the Leaf shinobi. He should've killed them earlier. (Why did he hesitate? He'd been wanting this for years.) Orochimaru carefuly let Sasuke's wrist loose and Sasuke's hand rested on his side. Orochimaru used a transportation jutsu on them so they could leave. 

Sasuke stared into Naruto's blue eyes. (Were they always that pretty?) He wanted to stab himself for thinking such a thought. He looked away and cleared his mind. He was probably tired. After all, the day had been rather eventful. Not only that but his Replacement had woken him earlier, something he was still upset about. 

Sasuke felt Naruto's eyes digging into his face. It took him everything not to stare back. Then, at the last second before disappearing completely, Sasuke looked. Naruto's eyes were sad as if the biggest tragedy had just occured. And for some reason, that haunted him. 

When they got to their "home," Sasuke walked straight to his room and laid on his bed. It was one of those times where he'd either sleep well or not be able to sleep at all. He couldn't sleep. Needless energy filled him. Even worse was that every time he closed his eyes, those sad blue eyes were staring right back at him. "Sasuke." 

Sasuke thought he heard whispering and looked up quickly only to be met with darkness. It sounded like Naruto's voice calling him. Was Naruto in danger? He frowned and tried blocking that thought out of his head. Who cared if Naruto died? After an hour of thinking, he gave up on taking a nap and decided to train.

As Sasuke trained, the events of what had happened kept popping up into his head which caused him to train even harder. He trained and trained until he stopped seeing Naruto's stupid face in his head. Naruto's face was replaced with a blank mind that reflected on the tiredness of his body. 

Sasuke finished training and went to lay back down. Hopefully, he'd be able to sleep this time. But when he laid his head down and relaxed, Naruto's damn face popped up again. He wanted to yell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I truly appreciate you giving this fanfic a chance, even though I hadn't updated in months. I didn't want to give up on this for and didn't. It just took me a while to decide where I want to go with it. Again. Thank you!


	5. Craving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke didn't know what he craved but he craved something.

Sasuke felt like something was missing - as as if he craved something he didn't know or as if he was eating without getting full.

Sasuke didn't know what he craved but he craved something. And it was something dark. He felt the need to fill that hole. So he searched. Every day, when training was over, he searched for what he craved. He explored all around the place, looking for what would fill the hole. 

The feeling of craving something was so strong that it stressed Sasuke out. He dug his nails into his arm until it bled. The pain distracted him from the cravings and so he dug deeper into his arm. He bled and bled and the pain was bad but he was focused. 

Sasuke wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish but he was focused on digging into his arm. When he was satisfied, he stopped. Then, he covered the wound with his sleeve. Sasuke left his room and walked down the scream-filled halls. 

He'd gotten used to the screaming. It was now just background noise. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a tomato to eat. He sat down, listening to the screams. His mind put together the stories of the screamers. By now, he'd been a professional scream listener and often was able to guess the stories behind the screams.

The girl who was screaming was being injected with some form of acid. The guy who was crying was being forced to inject her. The child who was screaming wanted his mom who was probably dead. There was a certain type of scream that always stood out though. It was always there but you never heard it. 

It was the silent scream of wanting death. Wanting to give up. These people were silent because they'd given up on even screaming. Orochimaru often gave them their death wish because they were no longer able to perform accurate experiments for him; If he hit them with acid, they wouldn't scream, whereas someone who hadn't given up on life yet may scream until their throat no longer made noise.

Sasuke was also a screamer once. Orochimaru only performed experiments he knew would work and wouldn't do any damage to his skin, on him. But just because he performed only the ones he knew would work didn't mean they weren't painful.

Sasuke yelled out during nearly every experiment performed on him. (He was scared of the operation room.) His thoughts turned into ones of murder. He couldn't wait until Orochimaru was dead.

The next day, Sasuke repeated things. He walked to the kitchen and are a tomato, only this time he didn't listen to the screaming. Instead, he went to his room. Soon, Orochimaru called for him and he walked through the halls, avoided the hands grabbing at him when he passed cages, and ignored the cries of those asking for help. 

When he got to Orochimaru's office, he sat down in a chair beside the man. Orochimaru rolled his chair back and met Sasuke's eyes. "Sasuke. Today's training is going to be a bit different. I want you to go into town." 

Sasuke was surprised. He hadn't been into town in a couple of weeks. Orochimaru gave him a list. "Here's a list of things I want you to do. Be back before dawn." Sasuke took the list and left for town.

The Sound Village treated Sasuke like a prince. After all, he was Orochimaru's favorite. He often got things for free. Things that Orochimaru wouldn't give him. In return, Sasuke fought off anyone who dared to hurt the villagers who were unfortunate enough to live under Orochimaru's control, of all people.

Sasuke looked at the list. 

First, he needed to go to a store that sold human body parts. Sasuke found the store easily and heard muffled screams when he walked in. The screams were coming from the back. The man likely ran a "kill and take apart" service. "I need some eyeballs," he told the man who owned the store.

The man gave him as many eyeballs as he wanted for free at the mention of Orochimaru's name. Sasuke left the store and went on to the next task. Next, he needed to get his eyes checked.

Orochimaru did this monthly because he was always paranoid that Sasuke's eyes might go blind before he got to use them to their fullest. Sasuke didn't bother entertaining Orochimaru's paranoia so he didn't.

The eye appointment didn't last long. Everything seemed to be fine and the old man let him go. After that, Sasuke needed to catch a few experiments that left. Orochimaru didn't prioritize the catching of them because they were weak and could hardly run nor fight to begin with.

Sasuke found each of them within an hour and brought them back to the hideout by threatening them with his sword. "No," cried the woman, "I have a baby at home; I can't die yet." The two men, however, had only one motivation: the fear of dying.

When Sasuke finished with that and went to check back with Orochimaru as the instructions said, Orochimaru gave him a strange task: to observe a family. Orochimaru gave michievous smile. The kind he made when he was entertained.

Sasuke didn't like entertaining Orochimaru but let the guy have his fun. After all, he would kill him someday. When that day would come, he'd get all of his angst and anger regarding the evil man out.

Sasuke stood up and headed out to the address Orochimaru gave him. He wasn't expecting much to happen. After all, he was simply observing a family. How boring that sounded. But Sasuke was used to patience. 

Orochimaru had given him plenty tests of patience where if Sasuke failed, he'd have to watch more torture or get beaten himself. Orochimaru loved hurting Sasuke when he was younger but he'd calmed down since Sasuke learned how things went around there.

Sasuke arrived at the house and jumped up to a tree with the perfect view inside the windows. The family was eating and Sasuke's craving grew stronger. Maybe he was hungry? He didn't usually ear on the job but he was desperate to find what he craved.

So, he took out a tomato and ate it. But the craving most definitely did not go away. Screw it, thought Sasuke, and he ate his entire lunch and dinner, trying so hard to fill the hole that craved something so desperately.

Clearly, food was no help and he put everything back in his bag. The family was a family of four; one dad, one mom, one older brother, and one younger brother. They seemed to be happy. 

They were having a conversation that was apparently funny because they kept laughing. Sasuke was reminded of when he was younger and had his family around. Strong annoyance filled him and he tried to avoid any thoughts of the past. He didn't want to think of such things.

But he couldn't stop himself. Every time he looked at the family, a feeling of nostalgia and a craving hit him. Sasuke wanted to leave so badly. He wanted to avoid the last as much as possible. His nails dug into his skin from stress and broke skin. 

The wound he was creating was worse than he thought because blood bled through his clothes. Sasuke was surprised with the harm he'd done to himself but decided that self destruction was better than feeling terrible.

Sasuke watched and watched the family. Only 10 minutes into observing them did he realize Orochimaru ordered him to do this on purpose. He probably wanted to see how he would react to such a situation.

He wanted to punch the snake in the face. The snake truly was a cruel being. He loved seeing others in pain and because he couldn't hurt Sasuke too bad physically from worry of scarring, he hurt him mentally, a place that wouldn't change his appearance.

Sasuke couldn't wait until he killed the guy. He could clearly see the familiar family dynamic. The older son who the father was proud of and the younger son who the father didn't see. The mother who coddled the youngest because she felt bad for his father's treatment of him. 

Sasuke kept looking even though it hurt him. Memories of the past passed through his head. He remembered how the guilty look on his murderous brother's face looked whenever he lied about not being able to train with him.

He remembered the dead, bloody corpses on the ground when his brother murdered their entire clan. He remembered the look on said brother's face and the genjutsu he cast on Sasuke before running off into the distance.

Most of all, Sasuke remembered Itachi's words: you must kill your best friend. Sasuke remembered Naruto and a slight emotional pain hit him. He ignored it , pretended it didn't exist, and stuffed it down, burying it with his other emotions.

The family minus the youngest got up and the older brother left to study while the youngest stayed at the table to think. The mom washed the dishes and the dad went to his work room. The youngest proceeded to talk with the mother, looking upset.

Then, the mother turned around to talk to him and knelt down to hug the boy. There. There was the difference between his family and theirs. Sasuke's mother never hugged him. Hugs were considered weak. Especially for the males of the family.

Strange relief filled Sasuke. This family was different his own, even though he had to look deeper to find the difference. That meant that maybe the eldest brother was different than Itachi and, hopefully, the events that unfolded in Sasuke's life wouldn't unfold in the youngest brother's life.

After several minutes, the mother sat down by the youngest and the father joined them an hour later. They talked and laughed and looked happy. The craving came back stronger than ever before. 

Then, Sasuke realized it. 

How come he hadn't seen it before? He wanted to laugh at himself, punch himself even. He felt dumb and even questioned the state of his mind for not realizing it sooner. Maybe he'd need to get his mind checked later. Sasuke wasn't hungry after all. 

No wonder the food didn't work. Food wouldn't fill his soul. In fact, the closest Sasuke had gotten to his craving was taking care of a cat before it died. That somehow satiated his craving. He stood up and closed his eyes, somber wind passing through his body.

What Sasuke craved was love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. Raw Meat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0orochimaru gives Sasuke raw meat and it gradually becomes time to kill the snake.

Sasuke was having a bad -no, a terrible - day. He hadn't trained hard only for Orochimaru to put some raw meat on his plate when dinner came. He stared at his plate and without a second thought, he chucked it against the wall. He would not eat raw meat. Now he was both hungry and irritated. 

"That was your dinner," Orochimaru told him before leaving the kitchen and probably going to experiment on someone. Sasuke was not happy. At all. He looked to Kabuto for advice but Kabuto only gave him a look that said he deserved it. 

"If you're not happy with your dinner, Sasuke, then throw it away." Sasuke got up in a huff and left the kitchen before storming off to his room. This same cycle continued the next day. The third day, he got frustrated and expressed his frustration to Orochimaru.

Orochimaru was clearly unhappy because he threw a plate at Sasuke's face. The plate hit him and he started bleeding from the small cuts created by the broken plate. Sasuke glared deeply and Kabuto, the bastard, was looking smug. 

The next day, Sasuke felt like he was going to pass out when he stood up. He really needed to eat. Thoughts of good chicken filled his mind and by the time dinner came around, he sat staring solemnly at the raw meat on his plate. 

Three days later and Sasuke broke. He was starving. The meat was beginning to look like a steak. On this desperate day, he picked the slimy feeling meat up which broke him out of his trance. He could wait another day.

It took two days of lifting the slimy meat up before he was able to stand the feel of it. 'How bad could it be?' he thought. He lifted it up and brought it to his mouth. Then, he took a bite out of it and chewed. Before he even realized it, he swallowed the entire thing down his throat. When he was done, he felt terrible. 

Orochimaru had a satisfied and amused look on his face. "How did it taste?" "Terrible," Sasuke lied. Orochimaru smiled even wider. The snake knew he was lying, "very good."

It was ten days. Ten days before he would kill Orochimaru. 

Sasuke had prepared every single detail for when Orochimaru would die and afterwards, when he would gather his new team. He had no doubt he would win against Orochimaru. 

He'd trained hard for this. He pushed passed his own limits and created new ones. His teacher of four years would die. And he had absolutely no remorse. Why should he, anyway? After all, if he didn't kill his teacher, his teacher would kill him.

All of the terrible things he'd seen and been through over the years would pay off. There were times when he felt as if he'd never leave the dark hideouts. But that was when he was younger and first getting accustomed to the horrors of Orochimaru's palace.

It was dinner time. Sasuke ate his raw meat with confidence. The slimy, raw beef slid down his throat and he stared at Orochimaru, challenging the man. 

The snake had wanted to feed him raw meat in the first place to make him uncomfortable. Sasuke wanted to show him it made him anything but that. In fact, he could handle the raw meat just fine. He expected Orochimaru to give a shocked look on his face, surprised that Sasuke wasn't bothered by the raw meat anymore.

But, instead, he looked satisfied. Realization hit Sasuke hard like a slap in the face. This was what Orochimaru had wanted all along. He wanted Sasuke to grow accustomed to the raw meat.

His goal wasn't to make Sasuke uncomfortable; it was to make his stomach used to Orochimaru's very own diet. Sasuke felt uncomfortable and sick. All this time, he thought he'd prove Orochimaru he could handle something as simple as raw meat when that wasn't even the point in the first place.

Sasuke excused himself from the table and paced himself normally but the second he got to his room, he found the trash can and shoved his fingers down his throat, forcing the disgusting raw meat out of his stomach.

He refused to eat. 

He had 9 more days before that bastard was dead. 9. He could refuse to eat for 9 days if he had to. 

It was easier said than done. Sasuke only had three more days before the snake would be killed and he felt famished, as if he was dying. An even bigger problem presented itself. Without food, he'd be too weak to kill the snake. 

Sasuke planned one last time to eat the raw meat. The day before he killed Orochimaru. He needed fuel for when Orochimaru would die and so, regrettably, that meant eating the raw meat for one last time. 

So, Sasuke waited in disgust. He wished there was some other way but the fridges had all been emptied and replaced with raw meat and going outside was impossible. Kabuto was watching him carefully and he didn't want to be punished.

Memories of past punishments filled his mind. The last punishment was an injection that caused the pain of all of the bonds in your body being broken without actually breaking any bones. He didn't want to go through that again.

Then, the day came. The day where he'd have his last meal. Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Kabuto sat together at the table and Sasuke ate the raw meat carefully. That carefulness soon turned to quickness as he grew more and more disgusted with himself. 

Orochimaru sat there with a smile on his face as usual. It was a winning smile. One that said he thought he already won. Sasuke wanted to punch that smile. But, he reminded himself, he would. Tomorrow.

And Kabuto was more annoying than intimidating. Kabuto always gave a smug look. He loved seeing Sasuke tortured in any and every way possible. Kabuto was not currently in Sasuke's plans for murder as he wasn't as evil as Orochimaru.

However, if Kabuto wanted to fight him, that could easily change. Sasuke looked at Orochimaru. Gave him a good, honest look. This was the last time he'd see the snake's face before they were enemies.

Not that they were friends in the first place but they were certainly not enemies either. Sasuke would never forget him. Even if he wanted to. He would never forget the snake. He stood up and went to his room, fully prepared for tomorrow.


End file.
